When Mars and Venus Collide
(Five Principles you should follow when faced with a crisis in your relationship)

Do you and your partner argue about where to go for dinner? Who left the tap open? Or is it something more as to how to discipline your kids? Read the following and discover five principles that will help you save your relationship.

Here are several things that must happen for a relationship issue to be resolved:

Step 1 is solving a relationship conflict is always the commitment to stop yelling at and berating each other in the course of talking about the problem – you must both agree to respect each other’s opinions.

Step 2 is actually identifying the issue and then telling your partner your specific complaint and how you feel. These two steps must be done first, or the process of negotiating some kind of compromise will be meaningless.

When you’re ready to move on to Step 3, the following are several core principles that must be adhered to.

IT’S NOT ABOUT WHO WINS Sadly, this is one of the biggest mistakes that couples make. Most people won’t admit this out loud, but they’re keeping score internally, just waiting for the day they finally get to “win”. The problem with keeping score is that the win-loss record usually becomes the most important factor in resolving a dispute, rather than the need to figure out each issue on its own merit.

Compromise is not a sign of personal weakness. It’s really okay to let your partner come out on top sometimes. This can be extremely hard thing to do, but challenge yourself to wipe out the slate clean before you tackle a new relationship issue.

WATCH YOUR TONGUE Even though you may be right, you may not get your way if your method of communicating isn’t effective. It will do you no good to put your partner on the defensive with accusatory language. Avoid insulting your partner or calling names. Also try not to give your partner ultimatums by using phrases like “or else” or “you’d better….”. Instead, take your time, think through your argument very carefully and tell your partner, “Here’s what I am going to do if you don’t respond to me.” It’s okay to provide a consequence if your partner fails to correct a problem in the relationship, but that consequence needs to be well defined, well expressed and should be carried out seriously if the need be.

ONE ISSUE AT A TIME It’s nearly impossible t o analyse more than one major issue at a time, which is why problem solving often fails miserably. Make a commitment to actively focus on one thing at a time. It may sound difficult, but the payoff will be well worth the extra effort. Be aware, though, that your partner may try to derail the discussion by changing the topic if things start to get heated – it’s a sneaky little tactic to shift the conversation when things aren’t going so well.

RIGHT TIME AND PLACE There’s a correct time and place to work on your problems. A good place would be one that is both quiet and comfortable. It shouldn’t be in public or at a friend’s home. Major discussion deserves to be held in a consistent, appropriate location. Forgetting to set the scene is a mistake made by a lot of couples, so put some thought into this. The right time for the negotiation is just as important as the place.

Firstly, you must point out a problem the very first time it arises. The longer you allow your partner to get away with unacceptable behavior, the harder it will be to have any power to get them to stop. Secondly, make sure that you have enough time available to thoroughly discuss the problem. If you are your partner begin to argue just as you’re leaving for work or getting ready to go out, then the discussion will be non-productive.

Alternately, if you put off the issue too long, the problem will never be solved. So set aside an appropriate length of time for a face-to-face meeting. Thirdly, when you and your partner have spent hours talking but have still not resolved any issue, it may be time to call it quits for the time being and readdress the problem again later.

IT’S OKAY TO SAY SORRY This one is short and sweet. You’re not perfect and once in a while you may unintentionally (or intentionally) hurt your partner’s feelings. You may say mean-spirited things in the heat of the moment that you immediately regret. So swallow your ego and apologize. By the same principle, you should also expect “I am Sorry” from your partner if your feelings were hurt by disrespectful behavior.

Just keep the above five principles in mind while you’re dealing with any issue in your relationship and you’ll be fine. It takes a good deal of cooperation and compassion for a relationship to work. You need to be open to communication, learn to respect your partner and give the right kind of time and energy that would be required to sort out any problem.